Pinky of Power

Lacking breasts, dads are naturally disadvantaged in the pacification department. To a newborn, there is no substitute for mom's deliciousness, and they have no shame reminding you of this. With no motor control, an infant's options are rather limited, but very effective. They basically have two powers...

1. An unfair amount of cuteness, and...

Booga Booga

2. An industrial-strength air raid siren...

The latter can be defended against.

I haven't measured the decibels, but the volume this little guy can produce is impressive, at least comparable to a 747 on a noise to weight comparison. I heard about a scientific study that confirmed a baby's cry has the timbre and frequency most distressing to human adults. I am glad I was not a participant in that study. 

When the mama's not around, and the alarm has sounded, nature has provided dad with his own power that protects him from permanent hearing loss and a gradual decay into insanity...the Pinky of Power.

To use the Pinky of Power.

1. Extend Pinky of Power, trimmed fingernail down.

2. Insert Pinky of Power and gently push against the roof of baby's mouth.

Ah, silence. You will feel an interesting sucking sensation familiar to noodlers the world over. Bonus: you have one hand free for flipping channels, consuming calories, or summoning mama in preparation for the inevitable expiration of the Pinky of Power, which will happen in approximately 3 minutes.